NEW YEAR'S REVOLUTIONS
1) DON'T DROP MY CELLPHONE IN THE TOILET. (Anymore)
There's a lot of reasons you might want to adhere to this resolution.
Let's say hypothetically that it was in your sweatshirt pocket and you were standing up taking a pee.
(Ladies, you might want to skip this unless you're Melissa Ferrick fans. In that you might stand up to pee.
I love Melissa Ferrick, she's wonderful but her audience prides itself on being bull dykes. Many of them are reading this now and saying,
"How did he know I like to stand up and pee? How did he know I dropped my cellphone in the toilet?")*
(BTW: See MILK, it's incredible)
Anyway, your cellphone goes down in the water, you got to fish it out and then:
VOILA, no more light up, no more speed dial, no more communication.
The thing is, not dropping your cellphone in the toilet is a lot easier to resolve than losing weight.
Or quitting smoking.

2) GROW A LOT OF HAIR
This is going to be troublesome. But I'm tired of too few options.
I'd like to look like Christopher Walken. Or Maybe Mickey Rourke in
The Pope Of Greenwich Village.
Or Joe Strummer circa 1979.
Elvis for God's sake.
It's too late for Rogaine, and wigs look bad.

3) KEEP MY CAR CLEAN
My wife won't ride in it anymore. Very few people will. I'm turning over a new leaf.
The only thing is, in my defense, is that I have live in it kinda when I'm gigging.
And you know how it is, you're late for the sound check, you drink a cup of coffee, you down a Red Bull,
you eat a protein bar, you do an espresso, you chew some caffeine gum, you do your last few pep pills,
you got to put the wrappers and empty cups somewhere, right? So you toss them on the floor. Then you get to the club and you gotta run in
do the check, blast through the gig, drink 6 or 7 more cups of coffee,
get back in the car and drive 6 hours, drinking 7 or 8 Red Bulls. Okay you got a bit of a pile up on the floor.
But when you pull over to sleep wadda ya gonna use for a pillow?
Isn't the trash ideal?
I rest my case.
And I rest my head on the comfy junk.
But I'm turning over a new leaf.
Some of those leafs are on the floor of my car.

4) STOP SCREAMING AT THE AUDIENCE

No one enjoys this. It isn't helping. Who do I think I am?
I've tried to get out but they keep pulling me back in.
Some audiences are getting hip to my idiosyncrasies
and when they see my threshold clearly on the horizon they stand up and scream. "INCOMING!!"
This is doing no one any good.

5) STOP READING THE COMMENTS UNDER MY FAVORITE YOU TUBE MUSIC OR COMEDY VIDEOS

People have too much time. And the ones that do are usually young I know and
they write stuff under videos about say, Bill Hicks or Jack White or Burroughs or anybody but Gene Vincent
and it's adolescent or asinine or something so off the mark that I think
"Geez, this depresses me". That's not why I watched the video.
It was to entertain, or inspire or study.
And it's like messing with a bad tooth.
I can't NOT look.
No more scrolling down on '09.


6) FUN! FUN! FUN!

Let's face it. These are tough times. The economy sucks and it effects all of us. It's hard to keep a brave face
and a stiff upper lip. But Gosh darn it, life's too short. Unemployment is up.
And this new administration isn't going to help certain vocations. For instance: torturers.
What's an unemployed water boarder going to do in this new administration?
I guess they could a job at the motor vehicle bureau. Now that I think about it
I've often waited in line 3 hours to be told that I did'nt have the right
paperwork and it felt like somebody had attached wires to my testicles.
But I digress.
I think that I forgot to have fun.
So...I'm going to make a effort to seek it out.
Tonight I'm going to a nightclub in Manhattan to check out some live Brazilian music.
I'll let you know.
I might ride around in the car with a Beach Boy, maybe Brian or Al.
Certainly not Mike.
Anyway thank God 2008 is behind us.
That's goes double for the last 8 years.
(Hey, was it my imagination or did Obama absolutely REFUSE to play the lowest
common denominator card? Was his whole platform, "I KNOW you're better than this? I'm going to appeal to your intellect and compassion?
Your greater humanity.
Not just as Americans but people.
Oh, you know he did.)
Anyway, that's it for now...until next time I think I'll listen to my
Beatles Live At The BBC. Fun, see?

* I realize that you can't see the twinkle in my eye when I write this stuff. It's a joke. Don't write me.
I don't want your comments. See #5.